The skrep of being a two-timing goody two shoes

This circumstance I am in now is giving me a headache.

Recently, I have been complaining a little about the lack of opportunities. However, I was never ungrateful. In truth, I am very thankful:

1. My part-time job of very few hours for minimum wage is still a source of income, I never go down to $0. Plus I’m surrounded by very nice people, and I have a very nice boss.

2. Great friends that are just around the corner – physical and virtual.

3. The volunteer hours at a nursing home every Friday of the week. I may not yet be doing groups, or conducting 1:1’s, and the likes, but I know I’ll get there someday, and soon. Besides,

4. My supervisor likes me, I think. She sent my resume, along with two others, to their sister facility, and said the administrator there liked what she saw.

However, not that I am impatient, logical maybe, three weeks passed and there was not yet a phone call. I assumed the less painful road of not expecting that the administrator went for another candidate.

So I took another route.

My friend has been bugging me for a long time about something. I said I’ll wait until after the first week of September, because I had to relieve for an employee at my part-time job. “I’d wait until then, if nothing  came up, I’ll try it out.” Then the pressure of bills, and money, and parents took their toll. I cheated on my first love.

I believe it was the 29th of August when I met with said friend, who, in turn, introduced me to her boss, who conveniently owned a franchise of a cookie place somewhere north of where I live. In conclusion, I have a job now.

Days after I said I’ll take the job, my previous work called, offering a new position for this ongoing project. I’m not that disappointed about this soon-to-be-wasted opportunity. Especially when I started on my new job yesterday and confirmed it to be a sweet deal, literally.

The problem is, this morning, said sister nursing home’s said administrator called me. You can probably guess where this goes. I was invited for an interview this Friday. I said yes. I’m not saying I’ll get the job. But what if I do? It’s psychology vs. food. It’s saying no to something you love vs. saying no to something you committed to doing (which you like as well). And so. much. more.

What to do? What to do?!

April 20, 2010

Last school year, I took up Philippine Literature as one of my courses. There were a lot of good literary pieces. One of which was “Bihirang Maisulat ang Kaligayahan.” I think there is a truth to that. The happiest moments are, most of the time, never captured – in literary pieces, songs, even photographs.

Yes, every now and then, we get lucky and click the camera just in time to capture one or two people laughing. We may even be able to express the happiness we experienced by writing or making a song about it. But none of those could compare to the joy you felt right at the moment you were feeling it.

I, myself, am proof of this concept/thing I am trying to explain. It seems I am only able to write poems or essays or whatever when I am miserable, with few exceptions such as this one. Though sometimes, I think I have to be miserable to be good or to do something productive (sometimes, I feel, I even make that as an excuse to be miserable. Maybe I’m also the perfect example of Freud’s death instincts – an instinct of man to hurt himself or cause himself pain). But now that I don’t have anything to be miserable about any more, how could I ever write another piece?

Theses past few days have been everything but miserable. It was no walk in the park, but it was definitely worth being happy about. I was able to: enrol myself, have an adventure at the Quezon Memorial Circle, go to Makati and get accepted as OJTs on the first company we stepped into, go shopping; celebrate the graduation of a friend, and just had the most fulfilling solo-commute ever (which includes me not getting a) lost, b) late, and c) run over by humongous public utility vehicles while crossing the street); and how many have I written about those things? Nothing.

I told you I had to be miserable first.

Where's the Christmas spirit when I need it?

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. I’ve been thinking about how I’m not really into writing and blogs and the likes but was influenced by my friends, it’s amazing what college friends do to you. The thought of me not having a definite plan for my future and trying to come up with one enters my mind once in a while. I also think about how lately I’ve been the talkative counselor that’s really not me. I think about how I haven’t been listening to my friends whether they needed me to or not. Been thinking about my friends who I know really need help but doesn’t ask for one which tortures me because I want to help them but I don’t know how and/or I’m scared because maybe they don’t want my help and/or me helping might actually make things worse. There’s also this thing about feeling that others don’t really know me and that I need to show them who I really am then thinking I don’t really need to prove anything as long as I know me but most of the time I can’t help it so I just talk too much. But really, what occupies my mind nowadays are the three things I should put on my wishlist for the exchange gift on our Christmas party, I can’t seem to think of something. Any suggestions?