The ambivalence in spontaneity and uncertainty

Despite self-proclaiming to be reserved, withdrawn, inhibited… I thrive most because of social encounters.

The reality I live that crosses paths with the realities of other people, it can become weary. Often, the world I have created for myself is comfort.

The efforts that come with meeting people for the first time leave me drained, and I lack the propensity for small talks. Yet meeting new people with nothing but witty and/or sensible things to say is always interesting. Being part of a semi-large crowd makes me feel uneasy. Still I find spending time with one of my cliques, which consists of at most 14 people, to be the highlight of my day.

Somehow, it makes sense.

That which is unplanned, unpredictable, and uncertain is most worrisome. Yet it is what brings a multitude of emotions, and provokes thought.

It is what my stories are made of. It is life.

Happy Birthday!

To make a long story short, it was Ruthee’s, one of my closest friends, birthday last Friday. I went home, I wanted to greet her, and I thought of a message. Then I remembered the different ways she’s greeted me on my birthday and I thought I wanted to be creative. So I ended up drawing something and making it into a video.

I am very thankful that she liked it. Also, I was happy myself because it’s been so long since I made a “project” of some sort. It’s a perfectly blissful feeling having finished something. I admit, there are a lot of polishing needed, but, I’m satisfied with it granted the limited time and tools I have. There’s a sense of accomplishment that accompanied every second of watching this video, even after countless times (yes, call me vain, but I watch it over and over again).

So, I thought I’d share it. Because it makes me smile, and I hope the thought of me sharing it to try to make you smile would be enough to actually make you smile. That way, even if you didn’t like the video, you’ll be able to say, “it’s the thought that counts.” And that’s enough for me…

…whoever you are. LOL

Anyway, credits to Podington Bear for the BG music entitled Twinkie.

An account of nothing

In all sense of the word, I find it very hard to write recently. Writer’s block, people would say. I know, it’s more than that.

Writing, for me, is a form of expression. Thoughts I could not verbalize, I could not substantiate, somehow find their way to the tip of my pen and become words. Most of the time cryptic, symbolical, or vague. Nonetheless, words. Words. Words I am now at a loss for. Or is it thoughts I no longer hold? Clearly, it is impossible. My mere acknowledgement that I lack thought is thought itself.

Perhaps it is the humdrum that I am now. Yes, I have been essentially abased into a monotony.

I find it kind of funny now seeing as I start that I find it very hard to write, then the sentence before this has words the likes of essence and abase. Not that their too big of a word. Still, not my usual style. Contradiction, now that screams me.

I need to go out more. No life, no words.

P.S. Happy birthday mom!

P.P.S. Today marks the beginning of my second year in Chicago. Sadly, I have nothing entirely poetic to say about that. Cheers, everyone!